San Francisco, CA
He was a gypsy (literally) who spent most of his childhood traveling the states, with his family in a ‘58 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, playing flamenco guitar to survive. I was a product of Chicago’s working class suburbs with white picket fences, station wagons with simulated wood paneling & 2.5 children in each household. As juxtaposed as those two worlds seemed, we forged a close friendship united in many ways but on this day we were overlooking a world foreign to us both. Two friends staring out at the pounding waves of the Pacific Ocean, from Ocean Beach, with newly purchased surfboards in hand & heads filled with more fantasies than know-how.
But the story of that moment begins months prior.
You see, only in a city as diverse as San Francisco could we have met and to further that point in a trade school for stunt players/actors. Now in my case, this stunt school & the television/movie industry seemed as far from my corporate world of middle management as one could get (in hindsight…that was the point). For him however, this school was just an extension of the only world he knew … entertainment. That’s where our differences ended & the similarities of age (young dumb & full of …) body type (middle sized white guys) sense of adventure (that looks cool let’s try that !) and a healthy addiction to adrenaline (OH SH** !) & dopamine (Ohh yeah …) brought us to this:
Kook (a.k.a) Me: (excitable) Dude … everyday from my window I see a buncha surfers off the beach !
Barney (a.k.a) Close Friend: (“are you kidding me ?” facial expression) yeah … of course ?! where there’s waves there are surfers.
Kook: well … let’s go do it !
Barney: (“same are you kidding me ?” facial expression) Dude … it’s not like a roller coaster … you don’t just do surfing … ya gotta learn & have a board & stuff.
Kook: OK … let’s get some boards & stuff (?) so we can learn !
Barney: Seriously ?
Kook: Why not? We’re both good swimmers & it looks awesome !
Barney: Alright … yeah … I always wanted to be a surfer !
So we had a plan … get surfboards & stuff (?) then go to the beach & learn. Seemed pretty simple actually … the getting the boards part anyway … the learning part would probably take a little longer. My management salary was pretty good so after work one day I went to a surf shop … just down the coast near Rockaway Beach, in Pacifica. Walking through the front door of any surf shop in a suit & tie is bound to turn a few heads & as if on cue a couple of “Point Break”ish looking teens smirked & asked if I needed directions or something ? Dismissing their insinuation that I was lost (I figuratively was) but a bit intimidated & with no knowledge of surfboards … I quickly scanned the shop … saw a cool looking board hanging from the wall … asked how much it was & said “I’ll take it” I think even before the answer. My rational was this: it didn’t have a lot of graphics/images and it was small enough to fit in my compact car … not to mention it had 5 small skegs which seemed much cooler than the usual 1 or 3 larger fins, that I often saw on boards in surf magazines. So my goal of getting in & out of the shop as quickly as possible, to avoid completely embarrassing myself, worked well enough. I can only imagine the conversation after I toddled out the door, dressed like a concierge of a 5 star hotel and carrying my new/used surfboard over my head.
So that night I learned in a quick phone call (that’s how we communicated back in the day) with my friend that he had found a cheap board, at a local flea market. The problem was it needed some fiberglass repairs (?) so maybe we could go surfing a few days later. The timing would be perfect as he would fix his new/used board & I’d learn how to surf from the stack of surf magazines I had bought on the way home from Rockaway Beach.
Back now at Ocean Beach, two friends staring out at the pounding waves of the Pacific Ocean with newly purchased surfboards in hand. We were north of Golden Gate Park & the surf that day was, as they (real surfers) say, about “head high” … which seemed reasonable as both of us were between 5 or 6 foot tall (shame we weren’t any shorter). We both noted that there seemed to be a lot of white water (breaking waves) & further noted that each wave was breaking as far as we could see and all at once with occasional smaller waves in between traveling in different directions.
Here are a few loosely defined surfing terms that we should have understood before that moment:
Kook &/or Barney: A beginner surfer, an inexperienced surfer or a bad surfer.
Leash: A cord usually attached @ the ankle to prevent the board being washed away from the surfer.
Lefts & Rights: Direction, in relation to the beach, that waves are traveling & breaking at that specific place & time … usually surfable.
Face: Front side of a wave before the break/white water … ideally where one surfs.
Closed Out: A wave breaking end to end & all at once … usually unsurfable.
Duck Dive: Maneuver/technique of pushing the board & surfer under/behind (seaward) of a breaking or cresting wave.
Raked over: To be pounded by strong waves when paddling out to catch a wave.
Over the falls: A dangerous type of wipe-out in which a surfer falls off the board and is sucked back into the wave in a tubular motion, often being held down very deep; also referred to as being “pitched over” or “wash cycle”.
Pearling: When a person buries the nose of their surfboard into the face of a wave and goes “over the falls”.
Washing Machine: Getting spun around and around underwater by a wave.
Hold down: To be held underwater by one or multiple waves. A hold down usually feels much longer than it actually is … but a good breath hold doesn’t hurt.
Ragdolled: When underwater, the power of the wave shakes the surfer around as the term implies.
Tombstone: When surfer is held underwater and tries to climb up their leash so that the board is bobbing straight up and down at the surface.
Riptide: A powerful and narrow current often caused by a separation in shallow banks within an enclosed tidal area, which flows away from the beach, pulling you out to sea.
Caught Inside: A surfer who is too far in, trapped between the beach and the breaking waves further out. It can be dangerous in big surf.
Outback: The spot past the breaking waves where you sit & wait to catch waves.
With this short list of old school surf slang, an image of the day’s events, for the two newest surf buddies in the surfing world (Barney & Kook) comes into focus.
With no other surfers in the area to observe we came up with our plan of attack. Together we would paddle toward the waves … practice board handling while we waited Inside until they broke … than quickly paddle over the white water & the next set/swell before it crested/arrived. If we timed it well enough, with our “stay together” plan, we could rest Outback and discuss how to actually catch the waves.
As we slid into the bone chilling water & begin paddling away from the beach … those little waves traveling in different directions between the larger sets are the 1st challenge. Direction, speed & intensity of these little monsters is unpredictable & does not lend itself to learning how to “handle” the board. In fact, they quickly dispel my friends notion that not reconnecting his Leash after the fiberglass repairs will just be a minor inconvenience. His energy is now spent chasing (like herding cats) a surfboard around in the shallow water … I however am trying to move seaward. It’s at this point that knowing what a Duck Dive is & how absolutely essential it is to surfing would have been helpful.
So … Caught Inside … Raked Over … Ragdolled … Washing Machine are my reality for what seemed like hours. In the rare occasions when I was at the surface I would unsuccessfully scan the white water for my friend or his run away surfboard. Now, the prudent decision would have been to return to & reunite on the beach then devise plan B. That being said, if he was even at or near the beach … but what about plan A ? Maybe he was already sitting outback waiting for me ? Yes Dori I know … Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming … keep swimming, paddling, drowning.
So … focus … there’s got to be a way out of this white water ? Like Dorothy & Toto’s brick road I see further north what appears to be smaller choppier waves that are not moving so fast. Anything has got to be better than the Washing Machine of my current position (right?) … (right !) As I approach this area I, in fact, start making my way outward & aside from getting Raked Over once or twice it seems inexplicable that I’m moving so fast offshore ? So much so that now I am nervously too far from the beach & well outside the breaking waves … getting a bit anxious I try to make my way shoreward but … that ain’t happenin as I just seem to be moving outbound toward Hawaii ? As dumb luck is … I start paddling back south to return where this all began & gratefully moving parallel to shore I finally begin to move toward the beach & my original position. I obviously would later learn the term Riptide and how it simultaneously frightened & assisted me in that moment.
As a Kook (FYI: it’s not an affectionate term) sitting & watching the wave sets from behind is exhilarating because you sense the raw power of each swell as it passes under you than in a moment it crests & disappears just yards in front of you, like a waterfall would look as u approach the drop. So this is it … after what seemed like endless hours of near drowning, I’ve arrived ! Jesus ! just sitting on this damn board is a test but at least it’s a test above the surface. I quickly scan the beach for my friend & his errant board but still not a soul in sight ? Now I just have to surf back to the beach like Kelly Slater (surf champion/icon) would.
Rested slightly, I inch nervously forward on the arrival of each swell … then at least 2 or 3 times I turn and manically paddle frightened while backing away from the falls. Finally, the ocean does what a sadistic friend would do … pushes me to a point of no return … I paddle frantically and akin to getting shot out of a cannon lunge forward, on the Face, jump to my feet and … Pearl the board … go Over The Falls then … Rag Doll in the Washing Machine (yet again). This time, add to those Held Down until it feels like my lungs are going to burst … then instinctively Tombstone my board as I’m desperate for the surface ! Breathe … Hold Breath … Tumble … Drink Ocean … Breathe… Hold Breath … Tumble … Drink Ocean … Repeat ! However … in a seemingly magical moment … I find the end of the leash then the board & climb on and to my knees. In contrast to earlier, the ocean now acts as a kind friend and slingshots me over the whitewater literally throwing me, board & stuff (?) onto the sand of Ocean Beach !
It is only after I crawl/drag myself up the beach, cough up half an ocean, & sprawl out in my newly torn wet suit … completely exhausted … that I see Barney & his board. Why is he in the back of a pick-up truck coming up Great Highway ?
Kook : (yelling from the sand) Barney over here !
Pick-up truck pulls over nearest me & Barney climbs out of the truck bed with a badly damage surfboard !
Kook: (relieved & perplexed) Dude … what’s with the pick-up ?
Barney: (obstinate) F*** man … where have you been ?!
Kook: (“are you kidding me ?”… look on my face & pointing toward Hawaii) Out there ! … tryin ta learn how to surf !
Barney: (with a nod of acknowledgement) did jah ?
Kook: (thick with a mix of pride & sarcasm) did I what ? learn how to surf ? … yeah … kinda … maybe … for all of about 5 seconds
Barney: (mildly sarcastic) was it fun?
Kook: (beginning to laugh) well … yeah for that 5 seconds but the hour & a half of drowning I could’ve done without
Barney: (also beginning to laugh) yeah … I can relate … by the 10th time I surfaced & found my board … I was at the zoo !
Kook: (laughing outwardly) The zoo ?!” … Dude! that’s like 2 miles down the beach !
Barney: (realizing our ridiculous ignorance) yeah … it was pretty gnarly … hence the pick-up truck
Kook: (laying back in the sand) so what do we do now ?
Barney: I guess we try again ?!
Kook: (silently in my head) Son of a Bitch ! Guess he’s right ? besides … I gotta pee !
Footnotes:
- The sets were 6ft & Closed Out that day & undoubtedly the reason we were the only two there.
- Ocean Beach & its surf are notorious for hurting & drowning people … at least that’s what the signs, which we ignored say. Yup … we got lucky !
- My friends board was cracked nearly in half … not sure he ever surfed again ? Although he did move close to Santa Cruz with its crazy long lighthouse break … so maybe ?
- More than a year later I found out my new/used board was designed by the surf shop owner specifically for himself. As an expert surfer he wanted a short, fast & highly responsive board … which it was & made for my large learning curve. Eventually I traded it for an egg board (longer, slower & more stable)
- Immeasurable gratitude to Rocky & all the professionals @ S.F. Stunt Association for teaching us … how to fall ! This completely underrated skill undoubtedly kept me alive on this day, during multiple motorcycle wrecks & countless other “OH SH** !” moments. Gravity Sucks ! Speed is Good !
Happy to hear any comments … Look for my future blogs “$425 Cup of Coffee” & “Bail Out” – one describing how coffee addiction supersedes reason & the other has the same surfing buddies learning to scuba dive.