Koh Chang & Koh Mak Thailand/Cambodia
DISCLAIMER: This short story is neither an endorsement nor a repudiation of any product. All products have a marketable purpose whether I enjoy said product or not … so any critiques written here are merely a matter of opinion.
With that said may I introduce one of the main characters & antagonist of this story: NESCAFE
For those that are unfamiliar with this product it is marketed worldwide as an instant coffee type drink similar to Maxwell House or Sanka. Generally speaking instant coffee is a freeze dried/dehydrated version of itself & is delightfully easy to make … Just Add Hot Water & Voila’… coffee ! In our brave new world of “I want it & I want it now!” the just add water approach to cooking is painfully efficient. However, I’d be willing to bet any soldier, mountaineer or astronaut who has been forced to enjoy this type of cuisine would be more than willing to share their opinion of freeze dried/powdered food &/or beverages.
So, if I may … NESCAFE is to coffee what hot dogs are to a good Argentinian steak, what a Twinkie is to French pastries, what the Yugo was to the automobile or what Tang (look it up) is to orange juice. Again, just my opinion regardless of how accurate that opinion … is .
Now, there are many cultures globally that we could classify as coffee drinking … the U.S. & Italy would be good examples … others by contrast would be considered tea drinking (i.e. the U.K.) Many of the countries in South East Asia would probably fall into the latter category as a relatively decent cup of tea is not so difficult to find. At the time of my living in this part of the world coffee was generally available only to accommodate tourists … like myself … that REQUIRE it. So here is where my coffee angst became an issue … in that … had I just stayed in high trafficked tourist cities & towns I wouldn’t be writing this story. Costa Coffee, Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts or Illy are never too far when visiting say … Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur, Phnom Penh, Saigon (sorry Ho Chi Min City) etc. but stepping away from many of those well-traveled destinations there seemed but only one coffee option … you guessed it … cheap & easy Nescafe !
The Ihtiander Scuba & Meditation Center (I know what your thinking … diving & meditation ? … they do in fact complement each other) is in the tourist mecca of Pattaya, Thailand. The two Russian owners, of the dive shop, were also Buddhist monks & PADI Dive Instructors (& again … I know what your thinking … monks & dive instructors ?) … think of Thich Nhat Hahn in scuba gear. After a number of successful years, the owners/monks/instructors decided to expand & open a satellite shop near the Thai/Cambodian border. Koh Chang & its surrounding archipelago is a stunning tropical setting where rain forest meets coral reef & wasn’t yet on the tourist’s radar. As their newest & most dispensable scuba instructor … I was asked to move (exiled ?) to begin creating business on Koh Chang. Truth be told … I was happy to leave Pattaya (Disneyland for XXX Adults) for a lush still relatively unexploited natural setting.
Koh Chang is a large island (Manhattan X4) ¾ of which is rain forest with five villages & numerous resorts. Let me define “resorts”: a cluster of beach-side wooden bungalows usually with freshwater nearby & electricity some of the time. Each “resort” boasted a small restaurant with some variation of Thai & European cuisine but always serving plenty of Singha or Chang beer. My new dive shop consisted of a desk, in the corner of an internet café, with 10 tanks & 1 small compressor out back. The internet café was pretty popular as there was no WiFi & it was on the main road halfway between the largest of the islands 8 waterfalls (Klong Plu) & one of the beautiful west coast beaches (Kai Bae). Ihtiander dive shop bought 8 bungalows in the adjacent inland rain forest & just a quick hike to this massive waterfall (no not Victoria Falls massive) but damn impressive. The bungalows would eventually become a meditation center/resort but at the time they were empty but for one, which was my home. A small fire pit just outside each bungalow was great for cooking, light & heat (yes, the rain forest gets chilly) & the waterfall made for powerful showers with shrinkage temperatures.
So this is the setting for our main characters … Nescafe & myself (deep sigh). Every day after brushing banana spiders the size of my hand off the mosquito netting … I’d take my waterfall shower then motorbike 3 miles to the dive shop/desk. It was here that I would enjoy creating my morning brew by peeling the Nescafe packet open, pouring the contents & hot water into my mug & voila’ morning Cup O’ Joe. Days became weeks, weeks became a month & each day I would choke down my coffee with bitter sentiments. Unfortunately, I was alone in this coffee routine as everyone in my world, at that point, was from one of those tea drinking cultures & couldn’t understand nor care less that I was living a coffee version of Bill Murray’s “Groundhog Day”.
The solution was simple … just go to one of the other villages & find a shop or café that has different/real coffee. So for the next week or more … every morning I’d travel further & further stopping at each convenient store, café or resort in the hopes of finding coffee made with beans vs. powder. However, morning after morning … one place after the next … my request for a cup of coffee was met with a broad Thai smile & the ever familiar hot water accompanied by a packet of my caffeinated nemesis. The process of “desperation”, like its counterpart “panic” is gradual & unrecognizable but as profound as processing death … there’s (in no particular order) sadness, denial, confusion, remorse, anger (just to name a few). So, I doubled down on my island search as the alternative of traveling for a few days by ferry, train &/or bus to the mainland then north toward Bangkok or east toward Phnom Penh was completely unrealistic. Needless to say each failed attempt at finding anything but preprogrammed reconstituted java brought me dangerously closer to full on desperation/panic.
The tipping point, of my sanity, started at a recommended French bakery & café in one of the villages near the most popular beach. The assumption was … a good Frenchman would never bastardize homemade pastries with compromised coffee … that would be a catalyst for an island revival of the French Revolution (would it not?) To this bakers credit the croissant aux amandes & Le pain au chocolat were warm & superb like straight out of a Parisian patisserie oven … & also to his credit the instant coffee was not Nescafe but a French variation of the same … I assumed this as although I couldn’t read the French coffee packet … the taste was OH SO familiar. As I expressed my dismay & desire to instigate an island revolt he & his Thai wife offered this … “go to the Aiyapura Resort” … the newly constructed & only 4-5 star resort on the Island which had just opened days earlier. The assumption here was … this is the first & only western style luxury resort which is slated to welcome foreign dignitaries as it’s partially owned by the Prime Minister of Thailand.
OK … this had to be the finish line ?! … a place of western opulence will undoubtedly cater to discerning western lifestyles & cuisine. Like a gift of the Gods … that next morning I sat at a lavishly appointed bar & restaurant staring (& probably salivating) at the sight of a brand new commercial multi stationed espresso & coffee machine. It was magnificent … sparkling chrome nearly the entire length of the bar with espresso attachments, milk frothing doodads & gadgety thingies I only imagined would create the finest cup of caffeinated joy this side of Africa or South America. The beautiful Thai barista startled me out of my café induced gaze when she asked what I’d like to drink. I ordered an espresso & a cappuccino then sat back on my leather stool & waited, like a voyeur at a burlesque theatre, for the show to begin. She fumbled around awkwardly at first then left for a short moment to consult another server. Upon her return I was blessed with an elegant place setting and after water filled the coffee appliance I watched in absolute horror to see this Thai beauty empty 3 packets of Nescafe into the tiny espresso attachment then twist it into place. My mind scrambled for understanding … certainly she didn’t just put $1.50 of Nescafe into a $5000.00 espresso machine ? … and as if that wasn’t enough to crush my coffee stained soul she poured a can … yes a can … of condensed milk into the small stainless steel pitcher then began the heating & steaming process. DEFEATED … SHATTERED & DEMORALIZED … I politely drank this vile concoction then slinked out the door & returned down the muddy road to my shop/desk.
Weeks passed, I had accepted my reality & even began to have a mid morning tea & biscuits with my British friends … a sign that surrendering was complete. However in a twist of fate … I met & worked with a German dive shop owner from a resort not far from my shop. One particular evening we were celebrating the completion of a successful multi day charter with his favorite round of shots … Russian vodka & German gun oil … (I know what your thinking … that must be a typo … they surely did not drink the lubrication fluid for a firearm ?) Indeed we did … he insisted I partake in this ritual, while brandishing & cleaning his Sig Sauer 9mm. In an attempt to justify our party favors this old school German repeatedly exalted the health benefits of gun oil as a medicinal elixir. Not sure which was the chaser the vodka or the gun oil but regardless … it tasted better & made me more regular than Nescafe by a long shot (pun intended).
The twist of fate came during this vodka & gun oil celebration when I shared my coffee saga … three in the group nonchalantly said, “just go to Koh Mak.” Apparently, there was a well established but small beach-side bungalow resort run by a German couple that according to the group got a regular shipment of coffee beans to make their signature Bavarian coffee. Being that real coffee/espresso is the main ingredient of this Bavarian drink … meant … I needed to figure out how to get to Koh Mak, a smaller island near the Cambodian border. At the time, there were very few scheduled ferries between the islands surrounding Koh Chang so my most realistic option was to hire a “go-fast boat” (think of a down sized, 3rd world version of Miami Vice’s Cigarette). There were a few of these go fast boats that catered to the tourists & could cover the 20 miles of open water between my home island & that ever elusive cup of coffee in a matter of an hour.
Two days later I stood on the beach in the early morning waiting for my ship to come in … & in a moment of quiet contemplation … Nescafe spoke to me:
Nescafe: (in a curious but friendly voice) “I missed you this morning … what cha doing ?”
Me: (dismissive) “I’m waiting for a boat to Koh Mak & a real cup of coffee”
Nescafe: (in a condescending & questioning tone) “You are not seriously thinking of hiring a go fast, for an entire day, just for a cup of coffee ?”
Me: (curt) “Yes, absolutely !”
Nescafe: (in a solemn questioning tone) “Why ? … do you not love me anymore ?”
Me: (lacking remorse) “I’m afraid I never did”
Nescafe: (hurt & sanctimonious) “After all that I’ve done to keep your caffeine addiction alive & well this is how you repay me?”
Me: (in a nearly robotic voice) “Yes … I can do better !”
Nescafe: (obstinate) “Fine … dumb ass ! Do you not remember what happened at the Aiyapura Resort ?! … & have you considered the boat ride & coffee are going to cost you nearly ½ a month of income ?!”
Me: (no longer in my head and shouting across the water) “YES … DAMN IT ! … but I just want a good cup of coffee !
The go-fast captain … slid the bow up on the sand & I hopped aboard. We screamed across the relatively calm water at breakneck speed sitting side by side like Crocket & Tubbs from my favorite Miami based ‘80’s T.V. series. I guess the Captain liked a bold entrance as he once again slid the bow of the boat up onto the sand beach of Koh Mak right in front of the German resort . Our ostentatious arrival got most everyone’s attention at the resort’s beach-side cabaña style restaurant. It also held everyone silent as they all seemed to be waiting for my first words while approaching the bar area. I’m sure it was anticlimactic as I simply asked if I was in the right place then ordered a triple shot of espresso … & a Bavarian, as it seemed rude not to partake of their specialty.
And then it happened … an older Aryan looking barista, & as I later learned, resort owner pulled a bag from under the espresso machine, which was far more understated than the steampunk looking machine at the Aiyapura Resort. I gazed in wonder, as she poured the beans into a small grinder … the sound & heavenly aroma of the grinding coffee nearly brought me to tears. Ten minutes later I was sitting in a hammock beach-side sipping/dipping my REAL espresso & biscotti while looking out at the beach & The Gulf of Thailand. You can imagine the sanctimonious smirk on my face turning to laughter after each sip.
When you sacrifice so much for so little … you do your best to be absolutely present … savoring every moment & every last drop. In my recollection, I had 4 cups of coffee in different forms that morning & undoubtedly didn’t sleep for days due to the extreme levels of delightful caffeine coursing through my veins. The resort owners were equally amused & delighted by my efforts which they shared in a combination of German, Thai & English. Their parting gift/reward was a small bag of their coffee beans which made for a week or more of caffeinated bliss.
Group Leader: (joyful) “Welcome to Coffee Anonymous & welcome to our new members”
Me: (apprehensive) “Hello … my name is Chris & I’m a Coffeeholic”
Group: (boisterous & in unison) “Hello … Chris !”
Group Leader: (concerned facial expression) “So Chris, maybe you could tell the group why you’re here ?”
Me: (defeated but still smirking) I’m pretty sure I hit rock bottom when …
As always I’m happy to hear any comments … Also look for my future blogs “Bail Out” & “Snow Blind”. The first story finds familiar surfing buddies learning to scuba dive & the latter … a tumble through the French Alps.